Exploring BDSM in Media
What are the first images that come to mind when you think about kink in film, books, and other forms of media? They’re probably pretty two-dimensional, glossy, and vacant. Most kink/BDSM in media is what I like to call “Kinksploitation”: kink that does not tell an authentic story, but instead is hyper-sensationalized to shock the audience.
Oftentimes kink is either used as the butt of a joke (hapless vanilla protagonist gets in over their head) or as a code for evil, deviant, and otherwise fucked up (hapless vanilla protagonist gets kidnapped and bad things happen without consent in order to move the plot along). Most of kink in media is seen in one-off episodes of shows like Sex and the City, Bones, or CSI, where even if the image is positive, the BDSM experience is still treated like the flavor of the week. And when we do get shows and films and books about kink, most of these read like an outsider’s abstract impression rather than the actual lived experience of kink.
Unfortunately, this means that the greater public is getting a lot of misinformation. My goal here is to analyze a handful of highly-publicized kinky films and shows so that you, dear reader, can walk away armed with a more nuanced understanding of what a human-centered kink actually looks like.
CW for discussions of assault. #christiangreyishisownwarning
SECRETARY (2002)
Synopsis: Lee Holloway, a young woman with a history of self-harm and depression, is infantilized by her family and middling suburban lifestyle after leaving a highly structured in-patient facility. She applies to work for Mr. E. Edward Grey as his paralegal secretary. He initiates a D/s relationship with her, and they share mutual fulfillment and growth despite judgment from everyone around them.
What Worked: This story focuses on Lee Holloway’s experience as a blossoming submissive and her clear pleasure with each act of developing intimacy. She even takes time to research Dominant/submissive relationships. As she explores a variety of kinks, from pony play to spreader cuffs, the camera treats each experience with a compassionate, curious lens. Over time, Lee learns to ask for what she wants in her relationships, becomes fierce and headstrong, and liberates herself from her claustrophobic upbringing.
Lee’s story of discontinuing self-harm through her D/s relationship is certainly not an evidence-based, clinical approach, but for many people BDSM is truly healing experience. “BDSM is healthy and fulfilling” is not the most common message in media, so I relish seeing it here.
With regard to Mr. Grey, his internalized shame and kinkphobia shame is also extremely realistic. Unlike some properties (ahem, scroll down) his confession “I don’t know why I’m like this” communicates the realistic struggle that many have with their kinks. His kinks are not the result of abuse or trauma, but simply a part of who he is. Mr. E Edward Grey is the “Original Mr. Grey” for a reason: While he is conflicted about his proclivities, he remains compassionate and caring toward Lee and well-intentioned in the ways that he tries to support her growth.
What Didn’t: The big elephant in the paralegal’s office is that in real life, this would be considered sexual harassment in the workplace. Mr. Grey has coercive power over his employee, and therefore every D/s and sexual act is exploitative. This is highlighted by the scene wherein Mr. Grey fires Lee shortly after their first sexual encounter. Additionally, there is no explicit negotiation or conversation about their dynamic beyond Mr. Grey giving orders and Lee accepting them. The film has little dialogue overall, so given the context of Lee’s research it could be implied that this conversation happens off-screen. Nevertheless, from the perspective of conscious kink, their dynamic is clumsy at best and unethical at worst.
Final Thoughts: Secretary is a small indie film that flew under the radar when it was released, but quickly became a cult favorite. With all of the hallmarks of early 2000s indie films (ornate wallpaper, candy-colored suburbia, dark-but-not-to-dark humor) it manages to lift D/s out of the dungeon and into everyday life.
In a way, this film works because its quirkiness removes it from reality and prevents it from being taken too seriously. In the context of fantasy, suspension of disbelief regarding workplace rules and non-explicit negotiation reads as less offensive the next film on this list. And most significantly, Lee gains agency through her submission. Kink creates a language for her to ask for what she wants, even if that language looks like leaving a cockroach on a freshly-made bed.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (2015)
Synopsis: I’m only going to be talking about the first film because… let’s just face it, I don’t have it in me to go through all of them. Based on the book of the same name published in 2011, Fifty Shades of Grey is an adapted Twilight fan fiction that follows Bella Swan Anastasia “Ana” Steele as she is stalked courted by wealthy, mysterious, attractive billionaire Edward Cullen Christian Grey. They engage in a whirlwind BDSM romance despite having no other significant commonalities.
What Worked: This franchise was the gateway to kink for many people. If nothing else, the Fifty Shades books and films got people talking about kink, excitedly and publicly.
What Didn’t: Hoooo boy, where do I start. This story isn’t about kink as much as it’s about an abusive relationship that tries to scapegoat BDSM practices. In no particular order, Christian Grey:
Stalks Ana at her place of work.
Isolates her from friends and family.
Hunts her down at a bar and takes her back to his place when she’s drunk.
Exhibits controlling, coercive “love-bombing” behavior, such as buying and setting up her new computer without asking.
Forces her into a dynamic with which she’s clearly not comfortable.
Withholds affection to manipulate her when she expresses any hesitation.
Etc.
Later on, it is revealed that at age 15 Christian was assaulted by his mother’s adult friend. He claims that she “taught him everything he knows”, and they are still on friendly terms. This is the explanation that he gives for his abusive and avoidant behavior, which is a negative stereotype that contributes to stigma against BDSM. It’s also important to acknowledge the underlying statement that Fifty Shades makes about social status: if Christian Grey were working class, this type of plot line would be framed as a horror film, not as a sexy fantasy. The real fetish here isn’t BDSM - it’s obscene wealth.
Fifty Shades is also just… bad writing. The books and films are poorly paced and drama is introduced without cause, not to mention that the actors have zero chemistry. Frankly, there is so much wrong with this series that picking it apart would in detail would take months. If you really want to go there, then allow me to direct you to Jen Reads 50 Shades of Grey, erotic author Jenny Armitrout’s humorous chapter-by-chapter critique of the first two books.
Final Thoughts: I’m not here to tell you what you should or should not like. If you enjoy this franchise, then don’t let me stop you. My hope is that you do so with the awareness that none of this represents a healthy BDSM relationship, and that there’s a whole community out there ready to help you explore safely.
BONDiNG (2019-2021)
Synopsis: Struggling comedian Pete finds his life upended when his friend Tiff/Mistress May ropes him into (pun absolutely intended; you can’t be part of the kink community and not revel in bad BDSM puns) the professional Dominatrix work that’s paying for her psychology degree. Each episode follows the pair through salacious and silly shenanigans as Pete adapts to his new profession.
What Worked: This is the only entry on this list that features professional Dominatrices (yes that is the plural of “Dominatrix”) as the main subjects. It’s uncommon to find a film or show that focuses pro Dom/me’s experiences, let alone one that humanizes them the way that BONDiNG does. Mistress Mira in Season 2 is particularly positive representation: she is Mistress May’s mentor, and helps reeducate Mistress May regarding her previously sloppy BDSM practice. The Season 2 plot allows the audience to see the main characters learning from square one and thus provides more kink education than is usually seen in media. This type of mentorship and training is also very common among the kink community, both for professional Dominatrices and for lifestyle hobbyists.
This show also makes somewhat of an effort to normalize kink as a part of authentic human exploration. There is a theme of empowerment through kink in how both main characters publicly own their Dom/me personas more and more. Season 2 also shows how friends can grow apart after realizing that they’re not that good for each other, and has a much better portrayal of informed consent than Season 1.
What Didn’t: To the knowledgable eye, it becomes pretty clear early in Season 1 that Tiff/Mistress May doesn’t know what she’s doing. Tiff coerces her friend Pete into working with her, and Pete is often presented with outlandish, intimate scenarios without being given the opportunity to properly consent. Because BONDiNG is a comedy, its depiction of kink waffles between being sincere and taking cheap shots at the BDSM community. The first season struggles on unsteady legs while it figures out what it wants to be. There are quite a number of scenes that depict abuse rather than consensual BDSM, and yet are still played for laughs.
Final Thoughts: BONDiNG had a very mixed reception, and the BDSM community was quick to point out its failings. Season 2 showed a clear effort to improve the show’s representation and messaging. I appreciate the course correction given that most shows don’t adapt to community feedback. Unfortunately, because Season 1 was irredeemably clunky, I can’t help but feel that this pivot was too little, too late. If you’re not looking for anything too deep and are happy to roll your eyes at everything they get wrong, BONDiNG is worth watching while you fold laundry.
LOVE & LEASHES (2022)
Synopsis: Better known as Moral Sense in Korea and based on the webcomic of the same name, Love & Leashes tells the budding love story of coworkers Ji-hoo, a closeted submissive, and Ji-woo, a Domme in the making. They connect when Ji-woo receives a collar meant to be delivered to Ji-hoo due to their similar names, and he subsequently asks her to be his Master.
What Worked: If I could go on and on about everything that didn’t work in Fifty Shades, I could likewise go on and on about everything that did work in Love & Leashes. To start with, this story is told with complete sincerity. All kinks and related scenes are filmed to capture how sweet, intimate, and fulfilling they are. Never once is the viewer encourage to laugh at the main characters for being kinky; for being awkward and goofy, sure, but not for being kinky. Ji-woo also takes time to educate herself throughout the film, going so far as to dye and treat her own rope and then practice on a stuffed animal before bringing shibari into the scene with her partner. Ji-woo’s role as the audience proxy while she educates herself even includes diegetic definitions for basic BDSM terms.
The entire relationship is a masterclass in enthusiastic consent. They have a written contract that they both sign, a clear safeword, permission for either party to terminate the relationship at any time, and specify a 3 month period for trial and reassessment. Ji-hoo even uses his fake glasses to signal non-verbal consent when he wants Ji-woo to initiate a scene. At the beginning of each scene, Ji-woo tells him what she wants to do, and he is given a moment to either consent or back out. Intimacy and trust grow naturally over time. Ji-hoo sees and appreciates Ji-woo as a whole person, not just as someone who can fulfill his fantasies. And Ji-woo gains confidence and clarity in who she is through their relationship. It’s very clear what both parties get from the experience.
Even the side plots are well-written. When their friend Hye-mi is nearly assaulted in a D/s one-night stand, she turns the tables on her aggressor and delivers the perfect line, “Just because I’m perverted doesn’t mean you can treat me like shit.” Music to my ears.
Most impressively, this film takes the opportunity to contrast consensual humiliation against actual verbal and emotional abuse. In one scene, Ji-hoo asks Ji-woo to verbally humiliate him and throw him around the empty office. The sheer joy and awe on his face as she talks down to him is something to behold. Later in the film, Ji-hoo’s ex-girlfriend invites herself to his place, verbally berates and belittles him for his BDSM practices, and breaks one of his glasses before leaving. The difference between the two scenes is staggering; I’ve never seen this distinction illustrated so well.
What Didn’t: In an aftercare scene, Ji-woo’s technique could use some work. Poking at open wounds with a few q-tips doesn’t really make for effective wound care… but this is still a win for showing aftercare at all. Many of the scenes are spontaneous, which isn’t the best move for people that are new to BDSM and to each other… but a lot of people do explore that way, and enthusiastic consent is still considered regardless of spontaneity. Some of the “advice” that Ji-woo reads as she tries to educate herself is pretty heteronormative and limiting, lots of what we in the community call “One True Dom” nonsense… but then again, it’s pretty accurate to what someone might find on internet forums.
Honestly, most of this is pretty minor. This film is as close to perfect as I’ve ever seen.
Final Thoughts: Listen. Love & Leashes is why I had to write this blog post. After I saw this film I could not shut up about it. I’ve recommended it to so many friends, and everyone has come back thanking me. This depiction of kink is wholesome, honest, authentic, and kind… and I need to go watch it ten more times.
ENDNOTES: WHAT’S MISSING?
Most depictions of kink in media tell stories that are extremely heteronormative, white, and the protagonists are middle-class or higher. Both Secretary and Fifty Shades have almost exclusively white casts. While BONDiNG does feature a gay male lead, has some great BIPOC characters, and highlights financial struggles, it could have done a lot more. In fact, with the exception of the Korean film Love & Leashes, most depictions of kink in media are focused on white folks. Given that some kink practices have non-white cultural origins (shibari from Japan, cupping from East Asian medicine, etc.), failing to include BIPOC in kink narratives erases their cultural contributions. There’s also a great deal of cultural appropriation in the BDSM world, but that’s a post for another day.
Another glaring absence is queerness. Even the gay male lead of BONDiNG is reluctant in his kink practices. He’s only involved because he needs the money. All of his romantic relationships are vanilla, and his BDSM persona “Master Carter” is primarily used for his comedy routine. When we do see queerness tied to kink in media, it’s often used to emphasize the otherness of queer and trans folks, rather than as a meaningful facet of human connection.
This is troubling, because kink is historically linked to queer liberation. BDSM practices, both sexual and non-sexual, allowed our queer and trans elders to experience intimacy at a time when HIV/AIDS was untreatable and often fatal. Without LGBTQIA+ folks and sex workers, kink as we know it today wouldn’t exist. If you engage in kink as a heterosexual person, it’s important to remember that you’re engaging in a practice that is fundamentally queer. (To clarify, being kinky doesn’t make you queer. It should go without saying, but yes I’ve had to explain this to people.)
Kink is for everyone: LGBTQIA+ folks, BIPOC, disabled people, people of all income and housing experiences, and so on. The practice of BDSM is especially profound for folks that are otherwise included, and they deserve to tell their stories.
